Why this site?

What Prompted Us To Create This Site?

In a paper read by C.S. Lewis to the Carmathen Conference for Youth Leaders and Junior Clergy in 1945 (Easter), he talks about what sort of books will do the most good. After urging his listeners to study science more so they can counter arguments against Christianity based on false science, he further suggests that qualified Christians write books on scientific subjects (which I think would include computers and electronics). An excerpt:

“”I believe that any Christian who is qualified to write a good popular book on any science may do much more by that than by any directly apologetic work… What we want is not more little books about Christianity, but more little books by Christians on other subjects – with their Christianity latent. [A materialist] would be troubled if, whenever he wanted a cheap popular introduction to some science, the best work on the market was always by a Christian.””

The complete text may be found in “”God in the Dock,”” by C.S. Lewis, Eerdmans Publishing Co. 1994, edited by Walter Hooper. I highly recommend just about anything written by Lewis and the biography by Hooper and Green.

As Christians, we try to do our best to trouble everyone that doesn’t believe. This means we want to make people question their assumptions about how life works. Most people hold beliefs and values that don’t work and cause a lot of pain for everyone. The Church stands as a witness that there is another Way.

Before I began to really try to follow Christ (as an adult), my thinking was much more muddled than now. Once Jesus began to work on me in earnest, I found that almost everything became clearer (from a technical perspective as well as philosophical). I went back to school at night and found that I could earn A’s in almost anything, with the help of God. At work, I’ve been blessed with more success (technically and financially) than one would expect from my background. I attribute this success to God working in my life through faith in Jesus Christ. It shouldn’t be surprising that Christians would do well in science because we constantly converse with God, who knows it all!

Anyway, whether or not you are a Christian, these pages are for you. If I can help you with a technical question, well and good. If these pages bring you closer to God, better!
Update: we long since separated the technical pages as I moved into other work, but kept this page for historical value.

Read More

How come I keep faltering?

Date: March 27, 1998

How come I keep faltering?
I want to live a good life but just keep messing up…

All of us can relate. Before offering some encouragement, though, let me remind you what a gift it is to know you sometimes fall short. Many people have the illusion of virtue when in fact they are drifting away from God. The Pharisees that attempted to trap Jesus in speech thought they were serving God.

Why we falter is simple: we have not yet committed ourselves completely to Jesus. Like the rich young man, we are unwilling to give some things up: “”There is one more thing you must do”” (Mark 10:21). The Christian is called to give up anything that stands between him or her and God. Jesus says this over and over again in many ways.

The only way to spiritual perfection is through Jesus. I’d recommend the books in the reading list, but consider reading “”The Hermit,”” by Torkington first. Obviously, read the Gospels first, if they are not already imprinted in your heart and head.

Rather than trying so hard, try this: instead of seeking perfection, simply seek to remove obstacles to prayer from your life. Listen for the Father’s call, and put aside anything that gets in the way. We do not become good on our own, nor do we “”decide”” to pray. God calls and sometimes we answer. He calls us to prayer constantly, but some calls are stronger than others. Whatever “”messing up”” is for you, it probably keeps you from prayer. Simply seek to pray constantly. Catholics have the tradition of going to church daily and praying before the Blessed Sacrament (the presence of Christ in the Eucharist). Even if you are not Catholic, consider going into a church daily (at lunchtime?) and praying for five or ten minutes. Beg God for help, and pray for others, too. Find a way to do this daily, if you can. If you miss, don’t feel guilty, just go the next day.

When you fall, return to God immediately. Meditate on the wounds of Christ and how ungrateful we are for salvation. Thank him for his love. I hope this helps� Please pray for me.

Read More


I have seen the truth,

or half-seen it,

running next to me

beyond the bushes speeding past.

Keeping pace,

allowing only glimpses

here and there,

like a feral child

or predator.

I am afraid I will never see it clearly,

but fear facing it without

dark glasses or nature between us.


it breaks through the bushes

where nature is thin

and affords less protection

from what I most fear and desire.

Then it is too close

and I sense rather than see

a huge muscular beast

as it passes between my eyes

and the road ahead.

Then it is gone,

rushing next to me again

with the blurred veil of nature

speeding toward my past.

I once saw a whale under the ice,

at least it seemed a whale,

although indistinct. There was

a sense of danger as though it

might at any moment crash upwards

and crush me without pity.

Fear and curiosity pinned me

and I could not turn away

until I remembered it was lunchtime.


William E. Rushman, August 1998

Read More


Knowledge is a trellis

for God’s wild rose

to embrace

twisting round

climbing to the heavens

changing the naked wood

to a glory of divine love.


William E. Rushman, October 1997

Read More

Too Many

How God Brought Victory to Gideon

This is a story of Gideon, one of the Judges of Israel before it had kings. It is an adaptation of the story in the Bible. You can read the original in Judges 7.

The LORD had saved the children of Israel from slavery in Egypt only to have them enslave themselves to sin after they had arrived in the Promised Land. Their neighbors would come and take their food, leaving them nothing to eat. The people cried out to the LORD, who heard them and called upon Gideon, a nobody, to save Israel from their oppressors. Gideon blew his horn, and several tribes gathered to follow him, making a powerful army of 32,000 warriors. We listen now as Gideon receives some unusual military advice:


“”Yes, Lord!,”” said Gideon.

“”Too many warriors!””

“”I know it, Lord,”” said Gideon, “”but I am confident that you will win the victory for us today. There may be hundreds of thousands of them, but I still believe! My hope is in you, I know�””


“”you will… Sorry, I was just warming up for some major praise.””

“”Gideon, I know you believe, but I was referring to your army. It’s too big.””

“”Lord, don’t take this wrong, but we’re outnumbered ten to one at least. Out there, like the sands on the seashore are the Midianites, Amalekites and Kedemites. I don’t know how we can win, but I trust in you and …””

“”Gideon, you have too many.””

“”Oh, I get it. You were being sarcastic. I’ve heard you have a great sense of humor. Okay, when do we attack?””

“”Gideon, you don’t get it. I’m never sarcastic. I never liked sarcasm, and I didn’t create it either. Don’t get me started. Yes, I have a great sense of humor: I made you a general. And you aren’t going to attack.””

“”Sorry Lord. It’s kind of hard, you know, I mean one day I’m plowing and the next I’m supposed to lead an army.””

“”That’s okay, Gideon. Let me explain it to you. Everybody knows you need a big army to free your people, right?””

“”Well, yes…””

“”So how come I just used Moses and some plagues to free your people from Egypt? Why didn’t I use an army?””

“”Because the people didn’t have swords?””

“”No, Gideon, because I wanted them to understand how much they need me. You and your people need to learn faithfulness. And you must understand that you can’t do anything good on your own. So, I do my best work alone, but sometimes I let someone like you or Moses help. Does this make sense to you?””

“”No, when do we attack?””

“”Look, Gideon, remember when your dad let you help in the fields for the first time?””

“”Sure, I couldn’t have been more than four years old, though, but I still remember.””

“”Gideon, did your dad really need your help?””

“”No, I was no help at all. He just let me try because it meant I could be with him more of the time, I guess.””

“”It also helped you mature into a man.””

“”So, Lord, you let people help you so they will become better people?””


“”So when do we attack?””

“”Gideon, you have too many! If you win, the men will get big heads and go drinking and telling war stories for years. Tell some of them to go home.””

“”What if they all go?””

“”Just tell them to go home if they have any fear. That ought to do it.””

“”Okay�”” (Gideon spreads the word and about two-thirds of the army leaves. He returns to his tent, rubbing his hands and pacing)

“”Alright, we still have ten thousand. God can do it. God can do it.””


“”Yes, Lord. Most of the warriors are gone. When do we attack?””

“”You don’t. You have too many.””

“”Oh no! How can we do with less? It would take a miracle to win with the few we have!””

“”You call ten thousand brave Israelites a few? It’s too many. Send some more home.””

“”Lord, these guys aren’t going to be happy about this. Remember, these are the ones with no fear!””

“”Gideon, I want you to understand that I will take care of everything, and I really don’t need any soldiers at all. Remember Egypt. I’m not in the mood for frogs right now, I’ve something else in mind.””

“”Okay, what do I do?””

“”Tell them to go get a drink at the water’s edge. Go with them and watch. I’ll let you know which ones to send home.””

So, Gideon passed the word. Imagine ten thousand soldiers getting a drink at the same time. A real mess.

“”Gideon, look at that guy. See how he drinks?””

“”Yeah, like a cow. He just sticks his head in the water.””

“”Right, he isn’t paying attention to anything, just his thirst. I’m going to show you how to spot the best warriors. Look for the ones that get their water but never drop their guard.””

“”There’s one, Lord. He’s down on one knee, scooping up the water and drinking from his hand.””

“”Go and set him aside, and the others like him. They put their duty before their thirst, and those are the men I can use.””

So Gideon went through the crowd, tapping the men that stayed alert on the shoulder and sending them back to his camp for a meeting. There weren’t many, and he spread the word that the rest could relax, as they would not be needed for the attack. Gideon returned to his tent, and the three hundred men that knew the right way to drink. He was uneasy.

“”Lord, I’ve done what you said, but I only have three hundred now.””

“”No problem, Gideon. I’ve delivered the enemy into your power. Go for it, but don’t attack them.””

“”How? With only three hundred and we can’t attack? How?””

“”You’ll figure it out. I’ll talk to you later.””

“”Lord? Lord?”” (silence)

Gideon was in a fix. The soldiers, all three hundred, were restless, and he had to do something. He figured there was no way an attack made sense with so few anyway, so he would have to get tricky. He assigned torches, big jars and horns (the kind used for signals during battle) to everyone. He had the warriors surround the camp but the torches were kept inside the jars. Since it was night, the soldiers weren’t seen. All of a sudden, they all broke the jars and blew their horns. Of course, the noise was terrifying, with the crashing and blowing and shouting. The enemy soldiers in the camp began shouting and running into each other because they thought they were under attack. Gideon’s men stayed outside the camp where it was safe as the soldiers in the camp began fighting each other in the confusion. All this time horns were blowing and men were shouting. The Midianites, Amalekites and Kedemites began to flee in fear, with Israel pursuing them. Israel won the victory without an attack.

The Lord called to Gideon:


“”Yes, Lord.””

“”Good job, Gideon.””

“”Well, thanks, but you kind of left me on my own, didn’t you? It’s a good thing I thought of that trick.””

“”Gideon, who do you think gave you the brain you used to figure out the solution?””

“”What’s a brain?””

“”It’s what you think with. Don’t worry about it. The point is I gave you everything you have, including your ability to figure things out. Remember how clever your dad was with the folks in the village a while back? It’s all a gift.””

“”Sorry, Lord, I got carried away.””

“”It’s understandable. People are made so well they sometimes forget how much they need me. Have a good life, Gideon, the people are free and they will be more grateful to you than me. You’ll need more than jars and horns to survive their gratitude.””

The LORD was right, of course. The people wanted to make Gideon king over them, but he refused, saying: “”I will not rule over you, the LORD must rule over you.””

The End

Read More

This Inconstant Love

What inconstant love is this,
that waxes and wanes
according to the course of the sun,

warming to love
as the sunlight
the morning dew,
then failing
as the sun
falls from the heights
and plunges into cold ocean?

says my love,

your love is steady
but weak
as the untrimmed wick
amid the draft.

Glowing bright in the graceful breezes of morning

but nearly failing
when the wick is long spent
and evening winds rush to the sea.

What foolish astronomy
when the songbird
can eclipse the sun;
when the croak of cold toads
drowns out the music of the stars.

But my love says,
I created the bird and the toad
and song and fen;

love me in these,
but not too much.

And so I must love
abandoned to the tides and waves,
for everlasting morning.  

William E. Rushman, November 2001

Read More

The Secrets of God

The secrets of God are too precious to be sold cheaply,
with common coin,
iron, lead and tin.
Public auctions with loud bidding
and carnival sounds,
dead fish in dirty bags,
cheap trinkets soon forgotten.
The secrets of God can only be purchased with
the coin of the realm,
copper mined from the depths,
cut from the vein by violence,
glistening in the Sun.
Shining silver falls
squeezed and refined
rising from the deep
like a spring.
Rare gold is best,
precious and hard to find.
Never rooted in the earth,
but mined in mingled hearts,
refined slowly
amid acid and water
till it is all that remains.
Never tarnished, never failing,
perfect coin for eternal love.

William E. Rushman, October 2001

Read More

The Legend Beautiful

“”Hadst thou stayed, I must have fled!””

That is what the Vision said.


In his chamber all alone,

Kneeling on the floor of stone,

Prayed the Monk in deep contrition

For his sins of indecision,

Prayed for greater self-denial

In temptation and in trial;

It was noonday by the dial,

And the Monk was all alone.


Suddenly, as if it lightened,

An unwonted splendor brightened

All within him and without him

In that narrow cell of stone

And he saw the Blessed Vision

Of our Lord, with light Elysian

Like a vesture wrapped about Him

Like a garment round Him thrown.


Not as crucified and slain,

Not in agonies of pain,

Not with bleeding hands and feet

Did the Monk his Master see;

But as in the village street,

In the house or harvest-field,

Halt and lame and blind He healed,

When He walked in Galilee.


In an attitude imploring,

Hands upon his bosom crossed

Wondering, worshipping, adoring,

Knelt the Monk in rapture lost.

Lord, he thought, in heaven that reignest,

Who am I, that thus thou deignest

To reveal thyself to me?

Who am I, that from the centre

Of thy glory thou shouldst enter

This poor cell, my guest to be?


Then amid his exaltation,

Loud the convent bell appalling,

From its belfry calling, calling,

Rang through court and corridor

With persistent iteration

He had never heard before.

It was now the appointed hour

When alike in shine or shower,

Winter’s cold or summer’s heat,

To the convent portals came

All the blind and halt and lame,


All the beggars of the street,

For their daily dole of food

Dealt them by the brotherhood;

And their almoner was he

Who upon his bended knee,

Rapt in silent ecstasy

Of divinest self-surrender,

Saw the Vision and the Splendor.


Deep distress and hesitation

Mingled with his adoration;

Should he go, or should he stay?

Should he leave the poor to wait,

Hungry at the convent gate,

Till the vision passed away?

Should he slight his radiant guest,

Slight this visitant celestial,

For a crowd of ragged, bestial

Beggars at the convent gate?

Would the Vision there remain?

Would the Vision come again?

Then a voice within his breast

Whispered, audible and clear,

As if to the outward ear:

“”Do thy duty; that is best;

Leave unto thy Lord the rest!””


Straightway to his feet he started,

And with longing look intent

On the Blessed Vision bent,

Slowly from his cell departed,

Slowly on his errand went.


At the gate the poor were waiting,

Looking through the iron grating,

With that terror in the eye

That is only seen in those

Who amid their wants and woes

Hear the sound of doors that close,

And of feet that pass them by;

Grown familiar with disfavor.

Grown familiar with the savor

Of the bread by which men die!

But to-day, they know not why,

Like the gate of Paradise

Seemed the convent gate to rise,

Like a sacrament divine

Seemed to them the bread and wine.

In his heart the Monk was praying,

Thinking of the homeless poor,

What they suffer and endure;

What we see not, what we see;

And the inward voice was saying:

“”Whatsoever thing thou doest

To the least of mine and lowest,

That thou doest unto me!


Unto me! but had the Vision

Come to him in beggar’s clothing,

Come a mendicant imploring,

Would he then have knelt adoring,

Or have listened with derision,

And have turned away with loathing?


Thus his conscience put the question,

Full of troublesome suggestion,

As at length, with hurried pace,

Towards his cell he turned his face,

And beheld the convent bright

With a supernatural light,

Like a luminous cloud expanding

Over floor and wall and ceiling.


But he paused with awe-struck feeling

At the threshold of his door,

For the Vision still was standing

As he left it there before

When the convent bell appalling

From its belfry calling, calling,

Summoned him to feed the poor

Through the long hour intervening

It had waited his return,

And he felt his bosom burn,

Comprehending all the meaning,

When the Blessed Vision said,

“”Hadst thou stayed, I must have fled!””


Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Read More

The Incarnation

And the Word Was Made Flesh and Dwelt Among Us


Sometimes, we miss the obvious. Amid all the festivities of Christmas, we are cautioned to remember the birth of Christ. Far less often, we are reminded to look beyond the birth and consider the Incarnation. Though the birth of Jesus is a joyous event, the Incarnation is the beginning of something unexpected: the restoration of humanity to a state of grace greater than that of Adam and Eve before the Fall. At the Annunciation, we dwell more on the angel’s announcement and Mary’s response than Jesus being conceived at that time. In the Christmas season, we might do well to contemplate the Incarnation, especially because it requires from us a response.

Two views of the Incarnation are common in music, books and homilies:

  1. God’s gift to us — This traditional view is used to explain the giving of gifts at Christmas.
  2. The Invasion of Nature — Like the Allies at Normandy, God establishes a “”beachhead”” in Nature and begins to take the world back from Satan.

While these are both true, let us instead contemplate other less popular views of the Incarnation because so much good work has been done regarding the first two. None of the following views of the Incarnation is new, just overshadowed by the ones already mentioned.

An Act of Intimacy

In considering the Incarnation, we must remember that Jesus existed before his conception. In fact, we believe “”through him all things were made”” (from John 1 and the Nicene Creed). Through Jesus, God freely chose to share in the human experience, shrinking back from nothing and participating in our world as one of us. Though Lord of all creation, he was subject to Joseph and Mary, his creatures. Though the author of life, he submitted to its rules, sleeping, eating, drinking and even passing out that which his body could not use. He bore the limits of human communication, and struggled to reveal the kingdom of God in human words and actions. He endured the same politics among his followers that we suffer today, and he paid his taxes. Even in the miracles, he never violated nature: stones did not become bread, animals did not speak, it did not rain wine. Although he did not create death, he submitted to it for our sake, because it was the will of the Father.

Being both God and man, inseparably joined, Jesus carried this intimacy in his own body. He showed a perfect union between the divine and the human in every moment of his life. By his life, Jesus again blessed Creation and declared it good, and proved the love of God for Creation by his life, death and resurrection. Whatever Jesus did as a man would be forever blessed and proven good.

In the greatest intimacy of all, Jesus did not reject his humanity at the Resurrection. Rather than leave us merely enlightened, he rose to the Father while beckoning to us to follow and share his glory. Likewise, all Creation will be perfected to serve us in the world to come (St. Ignatius of Antioch).


Our pastor often says: “”The Faith is caught before it is taught.”” Jesus introduced a new glory into human life, almost like a virus. Instead of illness and death, this contagion brings life and a share in God’s glory. The Incarnation makes it possible for us to become part of the Body of Christ and do the same things he did. As part of his Body, we heal the sick and raise the dead (after all, where did hospitals come from?), we challenge those in power by our lives and words, and we bring the love of God to the poor and those rejected by society through counseling, food, and support. Anyone surrendering their life to God will become at least a bit more like Jesus.

The Ongoing Work of Creation

Just as God breathed life into man at the Creation, so, too, does Jesus breathe life into us through the Holy Spirit. We are truly a new Creation, for we too have received the Spirit of God. Writers, such as St. Irenaeus and St. Thomas Aquinas, expressed a movement of Creation coming forth from God and then returning to God. Creation was not something God did a long time ago. It is ongoing. Thomas Merton, commenting on the writings of Irenaeus, said he saw “”man as a possibility of indefinite growth.”” The Incarnation opened up new possibilities for growth and made a path to God for all of Creation. The Incarnation was a continuing of the work of Creation, and we are called to join the great procession joyfully leading all Creation back to God.

Our Response

The love of God, made flesh in the Incarnation, did not consider man below his concern. As Jesus did not reject us, we can reject no one. As Jesus shared in our poverty, we are called to share in the poverty of others. In our relationships with others may be found a kind of “”second Incarnation”” as the Body of Christ comes to the world again and again, loving, sharing, finding the lost and feeding the hungry.

For another view of the Incarnation (a much older one), go here

The Pope’s Urbi et Orbi message for 1999.

Read More

The Divinity and Humanity of Christ

“”God from God, Light from Light, true God from true God, one in Being with the Father”” – Nicene Creed


From the beginning of the Church, the vast majority of Christians have accepted the humanity and divinity of Christ. This is evident from Scripture, the documents of the early Church, and the martyrs. In early times, the Gnostics denied the humanity of Christ and the Arians (hence Arianism; he was excommunicated in 319 A. D.) denied the divinity of Christ. Strangely enough, both the Gnostics and the Arians seem to have been motivated by a distaste for the world (in the physical sense), possibly the philosophical descendant of Platonic ideas. In any case, the Gnostics did not last long and the Arians, allied with Roman emperors after Constantine, enjoyed only fifty years of favor before dying out. Together, the councils of Nicaea (325 A.D.) and Constantinople (381 A.D.) addressed both of these conclusively, and we still refer to the Creed by the name of the council in which the bishops wrote it.

The Scriptures

While it is good to meditate on the dual nature of Christ, the intent is not to convince the reader, but to inform. As the proliferation of Christian denominations attests, proofs of anything from Scripture are impossible for those who have already made up their minds. Nevertheless, those who want relevant Scriptural texts will find them here, in no particular order:

  • The Virginal Conception (Matthew 1, Luke 1) – If Jesus is only a man, what is the necessity of a conception in this manner? Prophets and judges were born under miraculous circumstances, but not like this. Related text on the Incarnation
  • The Lord said to my Lord (Matthew 22:43-35, Mark 12:35-37, Luke 20:41-43) – Jesus offers this quote from David himself as a proof that he is not merely the human descendant of David.
  • Before Abraham came to be, I am (John 8:56-59) – Related to John 6:61-62. Jesus’ hearers would have understood the reference “”I am”” as an allusion to the name of God given to Moses at the burning bush. No wonder they were perplexed and angry.
  • Jesus has the authority to forgive sins (Luke 5:18-25) – As the Pharisees said, only God has the authority to forgive sins. The words of forgiveness are very direct.
  • My Father and your Father (John 20:16-18) – There are too many places to list them all, but Jesus consistently calls God “”my Father,”” not “”our Father.”” The “”Lord’s Prayer”” is for the disciples, not Jesus. The distinction between the two is consistent in the Gospels, and repetition in Scripture indicates an important point.
  • …and worshiped him (John 9:37-39) – Of the many times in Scripture where Jesus is worshiped, this one is special because it was used during the preparation for baptisms in the early Church (this Gospel chapter has been reinstated in the modern preparation of adults in the Catholic Church). Jesus was very clear that God alone could be granted worship, but did not correct those who worshiped him.
  • Through him all things were made… (John 1:1-3) – This was quoted in the Nicene Creed of 325 A.D.
  • …every knee shall bend (Philippians 2:9-11) – Combine this with Romans 14:11 (the same phrase applied to God).
  • There is no other name by which we are saved (Acts 4:12) – How could the death of a mere man bring about salvation for all? Salvation itself witnesses to the divinity of Christ. Yes, through Adam all sinned, but we also choose it. In salvation, we cannot will it on our own, we must accept what is offered. Salvation is greater than sin, and so the savior must be more than a son of Adam.
  • In Revelation, Jesus is called “”King of kings and Lord of lords”” (Rev. 19:16) – Again, this seems far above a mere man. This title can only be applied to God, at least at the end of the world. Granted, there are powerful people now, but their power ends when Christ returns.
  • Ephesians 5:21-33 – St. Paul says marriage gives a sign of the love between Christ and the Church, but the Hebrew scriptures (Hosea for example) only use this for God and Israel, never for Moses and Israel. St. Paul knew this very well, and saw nothing wrong with putting Jesus in the place formerly reserved for God.

The Documents of the Early Church

<text to follow>

The Martyrs

<text to follow>

Our Response

<text to follow>

For another view of the Incarnation (a much older one), go here

Read More